Gustav

I am already sick from hearing about this storm. It's not even in the Gulf yet people! It's a little less than a week out! That being said, I would like to point out that hurricanes are my favorite natural disaster. [I lived on the Northshore of New Orleans for Katrina so I know a thing or two about them]. THAT being said, I would also like to point out I am not trying to be an ass, but we all have to live with a form of some kind of disaster. At least with hurricanes, you have warning. Tornadoes, Earthquakes, Tsunamis, etc so not have very much warning. They are more along the lines of "Oh shit, take cover!". Being from Seattle, I know a thing or two about earthquakes. I remember watching the Mariner's game (oh, Alex Rodriguez, yum), going to the bathroom, and you guessed it-BAM. Little earthquake. I didn't know what the hell it was. I thought the washer was off-balance and on spin cycle. Came out of bathroom and the Kingdome was all kinds of chaotic. Dave Niehaus was trying to explain what was going on but it was over and we were all ok.

He's Back!!

My doting husband is back in town. This means:
1. All of the training he has completed over the past 5 years or so went out the window. (I am talking to you 15 pairs of shoes all over the house, dirty laundry by the bed, on the couch etc.)
2. I actually have competition for the remote and the shows we will be watching.
3. Zoe will pay more attention to him and growl and hiss at me when I come within 2 feet of him.
4. More laundry
5. More dishes.

In spite of all of this I am so very happy he is home.

It's a Sad Day

Denise Richards' reality show was cancelled. I am so sad I may cry.

This message brought to you by Those Who Don't Give a Shit.

Welcome!

Thanks for playing along, husband. I can't wait to see what you will post first. It had better not be about me or I will kick your ass off of here so quick. Love you!

The Talking Stain

Have you seen that commercial with the talking stain? Yeah I know, it came out during the Superbowl. Well I find that it equally frustrates and amuses me. On one hand, I want to hear what the guy is saying and the stain is kinda irritating. On the other hand, I get a bad case of the "I might pee a little in my pants" giggles.

I woke up for this???

6 AM - I woke up to the sound of a heaving dog. My precious Zoe is upchucking an ungodly color of orange onto my down comforter. Dammit! I get out of bed, get some paper towels wet, grab some dry ones and head back into the bedroom finding she did it not once, but twice. My poor baby! She has had the worst gas lately and I have not changed her food, given her any new treats or anything. I quickly spot clean the comforter, toss the towels away, and get back under the covers cuddling Zoe.

7 AM - I wake up for good this time. Zout the comforter and place it in the washer.

ToTD No. 10

I think I am going to give up on the thought of the day. I don't like to be bound by rules. Even if they are self imposed.

HD DVD vs. Blu-Ray

I know it's over. I know Blu-Ray won. However, HD DVD is so much more explanitory. Can't we just make it eaiser on everyone and change the Blu-Ray name to HD DVD? I know it's blue which is why it might be called Blu-Ray, but c'mon.
That is all.

An Open Letter to: Radio Traffic Announcer

Being new to the area, I find it hard to follow what you are saying. Where exactly is "the new bridge"? How am I to know where that is and how it will affect (effect?) my commute? Also what does "there is traffic in all the usual places" mean? Can you help me out here? Thank goodness I only have to commute into traffic for doctors appointments and not work (yet).

Merge, Fool!

I get onto the interstate and I have the right of way merging with other traffic. They have a yield sign to ME, then that one lane we became merges onto the interstate. During rush hour, the asshats that have to merge into me suddenly become arrogant (or stupid and slam on their brakes causing a headache for those behind them) and think they can just cut me off. I dare you dude, I have no problem sending your ass into the shoulder. Hit my car. In fact, please hit it-just make sure you total it. I am upside down in it and have GAP insurance to cover the difference. I wouldn't mind getting a new car. Thankssomuch.

PS-I am talking to you-Dodge Stratus

Doo-Doo

While it has always been customary for my dog to walk around the yard looking for a place to poo, it then became customary for her to do so while having a peeker. Now she struts frantically around the yard dropping multiple turds before choosing just the right spot for her to dump her remaining poop. Why? Just pick a spot and poo!

Lay Z Boy

I spent the day at home yesterday (after my marathon of interviews). I noticed that the Husbands recliner has a little bit of a "funk" to it.* I Febreezed the hell out of it because I can only imagine the farts that have lodged themselves in the filling and upholstery. Since you were the one that taught me this, please remember your own mantra."RAISE UP" Mmmkay???

*Which is strange, because he works out of town and I have been rockin the couch lately

ToTD No. 9

If you are sending a fax, please have the common courtesy to stand by the machine until he receiving fax picks up.
All day long I hear: Hello???"CLICK" (dialed a phone line-not fax line), a horibble siren sounding screeching, the "if you are trying to make a call, please hang up and try again" warning and of course "you must first dial a "1" or "0" to complete this call". Frack people!!

Breaded Pork Chops

The measurements are not important, so for all you control freaks, look out.

Boneless Pork Chops
Ritz or Club crakers-crushed
Egg and milk bath

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Dip rinsed pork chops in the egg bath, then bread them in the crackers. Repeat if desired.

Place in pan and fry on both sides until golden brown (5 minutes each side).

Put all on cookie sheet and bake for 25-30 mintues.

Enjoy!

Whew

Long day yesterday, a nearly three hour job interview, then another one that lasted an hour. I was so tired when I got home I napped and went to bed early. On the plus side, I took a behavioral test and got to keep the results. Very interesting reading. Also, much of it was true.

ToTD No. 8

If you have not done one thing at the office today that would be considered work, why do I have to be here?

I'm up here

To: My Old Boss

I realize that I am not a size 2 like I used to be. I realize that I am now "voluptuous" [read: bigger]. I am ok with that. What I am not ok with is you leering at my DD's. I was not even wearing a sexy shirt. Really? It was so obvious! You did not even try to hide it.

An Open Letter to: To Go People

When I order food over the phone and then show up before you tell me I need to, it means I would like to pay so that the moment my food gets done, I can whisk it way to wherever I am going and it won't be too cold. I think this is a pretty logical thing to do. However, when I showed up to pay for my not-done-food, you walked your ass back to the kitchen to "check on it". I don't care what stage it's in. I came because I wanna pay for it. And then you bring me my food. Now I need to pay. "Oh wait let me get your iced tea". Wait to see how muched I've tipped, then go and get said tea. On the way back, with me holding the bag of chilling food, you bring me tea that has no ice in it. It has melted. Thanks asshole.

Procrastination is an Art Form

My darling doggie-Zoe.
Before.







My darling doggie-Zoe.
After.








I am fairly certain it had been 3 months since her last haircut. I have deep scratches all over my body from her nails not being cut.
Why then, did it take a call from the groomer saying "It's been 3 months since we've seen Zoe, does she need a haircut?" for me to finally make the appointment for her to go?
I am lazy, pure and simple.

Layover Calls

If you have not spoken to me in months, an airport layover call does not count. In fact, I am quite insulted that you would only call me to kill time. Do I not give good phone? I always thought I did. I think of myself as funny and engaging. I guess I should quit being such a bitch and be thankful that you called me. But then I think about how I am insulted, and therefore, not thankful.

iPod Touch September Upgrade

I just downloaded (and paid for) the September upgrade. I now have more buttons of things I am not going to use because I have a BlackBerry (Mail, Contacts, Maps). I cannot use those things while on the road. I cannot use those things while at work-because Apple does not support a Key Index security connection over WiFi, so it was basically a waste of $9.95. AND now the calculator feature (which I DO use while traveling for the checkbook deductions) has square buttons instead of round so now I am pissed at myself for being sucked into this upgrade.

ToTD No. 7

Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. Seize the day my friends.

To My Mother

While I am rejoicing in the fact you know how to do this, you do not need to end every text message with "mom". I know it's you.

Will ride in trunk.

I was on my way to work today, and mind you I drive about 50 miles through mostly rural areas. On one of the overpasses, I came upon a man with a sign that simply read "Will ride in trunk". Wow.

ToTD No. 6

Your lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on my part.

The Doctor

So, I went to see my shrink today (insert laugh here). Here's how it went:
Shrink: How is the medication?
Me: Good. Working well.
Shrink: Do you like Indian food?
Me: I've never had it.
Shrink: You should try ****** on ******* Blvd.
Me: Oh really? Is it good?
Shrink: It's mine. I own it. It's very good.
Me: Oh, sure I will go and try it.

Weird.

ToTD No. 5

How can I possibly leave a job where Boss and I have our own inside jokes and sign language? Obviously I can't because I have been on a few interviews and all of them have said "no".

Really? REALLY?

I have answered the same question 5 times in the last 3 days for the same person. I guess the fact that it was not the answer she was looking for prompted the continued asking of said question. In the words of Boss - I am sorry that I cannot snap my fingers and make stuff happen for you. Hold on, let me go get my magic wand. Be right back. Not really but frick people get a frackin clue.

UPDATE: All By Myself

Baby Perv is gone. And there are more people here. However I still have to pee. Where are you Boss?
(It's not that I cannot pee without Boss, I am covering the front desk today because the person who is normally here is not and I cannot leave it unattended to I must wait for Boss to come back from where she is now)

Lemonade Stand Pie

Prep Time:15 min
Total Time:4 hr 15 min
Makes:8 servings

1/3 cup COUNTRY TIME Lemonade Drink Mix (I use the reduced sugar)
1/2 cup cold water
2 cups vanilla ice cream, softened
1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP, thawed (I use Cool Whip Free or Lite)
1 HONEY MAID Graham Pie Crust (6 oz.) (or use the Nila Cookie one)

PLACE drink mix in large bowl. Add water; stir until mix is dissolved. Add ice cream. Beat with electric mixer on low speed until well blended. Gently stir in whipped topping. Freeze, if necessary, until mixture is thick enough to mound.

SPOON into crust.

FREEZE at least 4 hours or overnight until firm. Remove from freezer 15 min. before serving. Let stand at room temperature until pie can easily be cut. Store leftover pie in freezer.

This is very refreshing in the summertime. Yum!

*Image and recipe courtesy of Kraft Foods

All By Myself

I am all by myself at work with Baby Perv. He's completly harmless (I think/hope), but he gives me the hibbie-jibbies. Hope Boss gets back soon. I gotta pee.

PooPoo Rants

Currently, my office smells like perfume covered poo-poo with burnt popcorn in it. I am so disgusted I may have to go home early (just kidding Boss). And for the LOVE OF GOD how does one forget to flush the toilet? The old standard of "if it's yellow let it mellow, and if is brown put it down" doth not apply at the workplace. And while we are on the subject of flushing, please make sure there are no floaties in the toilet after you have pooed at work. I don't want to see that. No one does.

ToTD No. 4

How can someone go their entire life and not know even the basic function of Microsoft Word, or any Microsoft Office product? How the hell is that? Boggles one's mind every day.

Directions

I LOVE it when really random people come into my office and ask for directions. Do you know where this is? Do you know where that is? Just beacause we are a real estate office, on the main boulevard, right as you get off a really long bridge you think we know where the adult store is (true story-didn't happen to me though)? Why people?????

I Don't Care

Most of the people that I have spoken to about starting my blog look at me as if I was a two-headed monster. Why??? I wanted to do something speacial on 8-8-08 and I did. I started my blog. Everyone must have the same inclination to get all of their thoughts down on paper at some point. I have just chosen to do it in a very public forum-anonymously. I have a really bad memory so I want to be able to go back and see what has happened in my life to get me to this point.If you don't like it-SUCK IT. HATERS!

ToTD No. 3

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't stupid people happier?

ToTD No. 2

Contrary to this being ToTD#2, it will not be about #2 like ToTD #1 was.

If your best friend treats you like a child in Target (snapping and pointing to the ground beside her while see is counting to 3) is it OK to then announce to everyone that "Just because you are old enough to be my mother does not mean you get to act like it!"? Just so you know, she then came up and spanked me. I guess her being old enough to be my mother DOES mean she gets to act like it....

Whoops....

Forgot to post this weekend. Very, very busy. Well not really. Saturday was spent finishing "Lost" 4th season and that pretty much took all day. Then Sunday was spent in New Orleans and Tulane Hospital visiting my best friend and her daughter who is 11 dealing with cancer.

*Image courtesy of ChildhoodCancerCare.org

ToTD No. 1

Please leave the bathroom fan on if you must take a poopie at work.

First Post!

So, at this point in time, I have decided a blog would be the best way for me to get my thoughts written down. I read plenty of them a day and I want to be able to go back and say how sad/funny/weird that was for me! Enjoy.